"You have to be at best only half-aware of what you're trying... if you know what you're looking for, there's no attempt to do some real work."
- Chris Morris
"Come down off the cross, we can use the wood!" 
- Tom Waits to Our Lord And Saviour J to the C to the T
"Champagne for your real friends, real pain for your sham friends." 

- Tom Waits
"Nothing that I have done I would class as controversial, that's just people making a mistake." 

- Chris Morris
"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." 

- Bob Marley
"I bit the head off a live bat the other night. It was like eating a Crunchie wrapped in chamois leather." 

- Ozzy Osbourne
"You build up to it, don't you? You have that bit of a chat, and you go "Alright? Hows it going?". You get on an' that and then a little baby pops out." 

- Karl Pilkington
"The Pope has said that condoms don't help prevent the spread of AIDS. Someone ought to tell his holiness he must be putting them on wrong." 

- Frankie Boyle
"In the future they reckon you'll be able to wake up and eat a yoghurt you can have a chat with." 
- Karl Pilkington
"I'd rather a bottle i' fron' a' me than a frontal lobotomy..." 
- Tom Waits 
"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light." 
- Groucho Marx
"up shit creek sans paddle"
- Robert Creeley 
"...the eggs of numbing inevitability..." 
- Bill Bailey
"We are no longer the same, you wiser but not sadder, and I sadder but not wiser, for wiser I could hardly become without grave personal inconvenience, whereas sorrow is a thing you can keep adding to all your life long, is it not, like a stamp or an egg collection, without feeling very much the worse for it, is it not."
- Arsene

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